Yo. Long time no blog. I've been having a lot of things on my mind lately and a lot of growth too. I broke up with my boyfriend three months ago, and I've grown so much since then I thought I might as well write about stuff I've learnt. So here I am.
First month was bad. But it was okay to be miserable. I fucked up on my midterms and stuff but it was okay. (Actually it was not and my professors had no mercy but at least I didn't fail anything.) I let myself be okay and sad first. I think that helped a lot.
Second month was also bad but less bad. I had more time in hand, although it also meant a lot of late night thoughts endlessly occupying my mind. So they balanced out? Hmm. I made more real friends, as in, I got closer to my old friends and realized what it meant to have a close friend. It's a nice feeling, I gotta say. We went shopping together, spent a movie night wasted, took funny pictures and had good times and I feel comfortable opening up a bit more than I used to. :)
Third month was still difficult as fuck but I found myself more productive than when I was in a relationship. Ironic. Although I miss the companionship, this finals exam season wasn't that bad. If anything, I studied more than before and that makes me sad. Why can't my productivity and a relationship work at the same time?! It'd be great if I could have both.
Today I finally visited a mental clinic and diagnosed the root of my problems and turns out it's mild depression but it's been going on for some time (at least three years) so the doctor decided it might be a good idea to medicate me. Turns out it was a good idea. Depression is an imbalance of hormones so I'm all for meds that fix it as long as I don't kill my liver in the process. I didn't think about him tonight, which is the one thought that always kept me up at night. Can't believe something so small (the medicine) can actually make an impact. I'm much more content going to bed. The antidepressants I'm taking tomorrow morning is supposed to let myself be a little bit more motivated, I hope it clears a bit of my brain fog. Anyways. I learned a lot about me and how I work, what I want is still a work in progress but I'm happy just being myself. I just miss my friend, that's all. I've been meeting TONS of my old and new friends and the empty space of that one person is still pretty significant. Ouch. :')
Maybe one day we could meet as friends again. Until that day I'll work on becoming the best version of myself. :) Cheers, people.
It's been a long year and a half. Two years, I should say.
You know, it's been only a day and I've been suffering so much. It's definitely less suffering than this whole week's worth of my suffering, so it's okay, but it's not okay. If I'm the one who dumped you, why am I so sad? Funny.
I've been thinking and I still had a lot to say on my mind that I couldn't tell you yesterday.
This is a closure letter for you and for myself.
Wow, I've actually ended the relationship. I can't believe it.
I guess now I've come to realize it was actually a huge part of my life.
If anything, I wish that you wouldn't think that I ended the relationship because I loved you any less than I used to.
(Which is sad. I know. But I'm a reasonable person. For your career, for my mental health, this had to end and I think we can both agree on that.)
It's not your fault. You should realize that. Yes, it is your fault you can only prioritize your career above me.
But that's the right thing for you, and that's not something to feel guilty for. We just weren't meant to be.
We're barely 20. The fact that you have your life prioritized is something you should be proud of.
You're a special person to me that will never be able to get replaced by anyone else. I don't know if it's our time spent together, or everything we've shared with one another.
I was scared that I would drag on the relationship with false hopes and tire everyone out. I didn't want to hurt anyone, you or me, so I had to go ahead.
It might have been a bad choice. I regret maybe a little bit...but I really think it was the best choice for us long term.
There are many chances in life. Life moves on.
I miss the old times when we were really close friends. So I went ahead and read our past messages because clearly I can't get over anything.
It surprised me how much we've changed. Our core and humor might not have changed, but the way we talk, the way we communicate.. It's all different now.
It made me a bit sad that maybe that we might not be able to go back to our previous selves.
But we've grown as people. We're different people now.
We were both high school students, and we're both at university now pursuing something different than what we had originally planned for.
Our lives will change so much over the next few years. Crazy, huh?
I don't know what I should do with the things that remind me of you.
What about the things that never made it to you? How do I get rid of them?
The 30 cards I wrote that never made their way to you? The presents?
How do I survive this week without you?
I've decided to call it a 'pause' - I'll let everything be, until I rack up the courage to put them away somewhere, to do something with them.
As of now, I have no idea what to do with them and I have no motivation.. I feel alone in this world. But I'll eventually get better.
How was your first day of lectures? Labs?
I wanted to be a part of your university life and growth, someone you could get support from.
But that can't happen anymore and you didn't need my support anymore.
Now that that's done with, I feel like our relationship could have gone better. I could have taken things more lightly. It could have been a break instead of a break-up. Less commitment. We could still have been 'together'. But that's not respectful to both you and me and everything we've went through together. There would be this awkward dying relationship lingering on, hindering both of us. At that point, is it even a relationship anymore? I know because I spent the whole last week thinking about it. It's better to move on when we both still like each rather than wait for guilt and resent to build up.
You know what I realized? We were on different pages. I didn't need you to provide anything, I wasn't missing out on anything, if that's what you worried about. I just needed communication and that's all. I don't know whether you thought you were limiting me in terms of options and chances, but that doesn't really matter when I'm not actively looking for a relationship. I was good with having only you by my side but you never understood and never gave me the communication I needed.
Any thought of this "could've gone better" is an illusion of a breakup. I wasn't happy with the relationship, you weren't. I just don't remember that bad feeling anymore because of your empty space. I really don't remember anything bad, maybe I could have endured it -- but I know you weren't emotionally available to take all my burden either. Expecting that from you would be rude of me, and quite frankly speaking, I'd like to think you were tired of my shit by the end of it too.
I vaguely remember, I didn't feel loved by the end. I felt neglected and ignored most of the time. Our communication ceased, your "I love you"s ceased. You stopped reading my messages. Did you notice that? Even if you read my messages, you never finished reading them, unlike before. I could have dealt with it but I think I've had my fair share of communication issues. It was like talking to a wall. I would like to think it was the stress getting to you transitioning into university, business, whatever, and I'm sorry for leaving you behind during the pressurizing times. But I wasn't willing to continue a relationship with someone I didn't feel loved with. Something didn't feel right. We weren't communicating enough, and I can't survive with someone knowing that I am not the priority in their lives. I didn't feel like I was getting what I needed, you were right.
I tried my best, I know you did too. Thank you for that. Thank you for trying in the first place. We knew that this might not work out since the very beginning, but we decided to try it out. And that's all that matters. Because it was worth it.
It was the first time in my life where I felt appreciated for who I really was.
Me being able to become a more cheerful and outgoing person at university is partially thanks to you.
I learned how to become vulnerable at times. More open-minded. And how to stay comfortable with myself being emotionally vulnerable.
And I know you're going to be successful. Because you will be.
I hope you've learned more things about yourself too. I'm sorry I had to hurt you at the end.
I know for myself that we both have to move on. I'll take some time to myself to build myself back up.
I'll be able to move on. Meet someone better suited. Take care of myself, now that I've learned.
You know, since the very beginning, it's like you predicted this to happen.
You started the relationship by you saying "We can and should have these romantic chats and whatever couples do, But at the end of the day, I would prefer us to be more like BFFs." We just didn't think it through and kinda became a solid couple which kinda ended bad, but, doesn't change the fact that you called it since the beginning, I feel like you should be a fortuneteller.
You're always right btw. Not saying that as a joke but things you say eventually happen. :-)
We might have been the best for each other, we won't know.
I truly believe that we had a relationship that no one else could understand (cheesy but the truth).
I don't have to regret anything we did, and this relationship as a whole, because all the memories I had with you were surely the happiest moments of my life. If we're meant to be, fate will put us back on the same path.
I have to heal. I have to make decisions for myself. We both didn't fit in terms of expectations and what we could do.
One day, I might just be a more stable person with more confidence in my own career and life, more control over everything, and the same type of relationship might be possible just because we've grown up.
But I don't think that's what I want as of now. I'm too young, too immature, too fragile.
You'll be able to meet someone if you treat them with everything you've treated me with, and I believe in my words. You should believe in yourself too.
Someone more understanding of your schedule. Someone who loves you as much as I did. Someone who is okay about not being a priority.
And that's what I hope you'll do. Even if you don't want to, I want you to move on.
Because I realized that the person I used to love isn't available anymore. I barely recognize you now, all busy, prioritizing many different things over our relationship. We've all moved on in our own ways and that's not a bad thing. Maybe if I loved you enough I would be happy with you making new connections, learning new things, not being available and I wonder if it's a fault on my end too.
Even if we, per any chance, get back together in the future, it will not be the you and me we started off with in 2017.
It will be the you and me in the future as two different people. Because unfortunately me and you of 2017 to 2019 didn't work out big time.
I want myself to move on. I'm doing well.
Next time you see me, I'll introduce myself again as a new person because I will be a different person by then.
And I hope you will too.
So good bye, my ex and bestie.
Thank you for everything.
Farewell! Till next time. :)
Cus when it all falls down, then whatever
When it don’t work out for the better
If we just ain’t right and it’s time to say goodbye
Learning something is pretty difficult in security. It has a steep learning curve for sure. There are a lot of resources online - but just not enough. (Even moreso if you compare it to the amount of computer science resources there are, I feel like we just lack a variety) After some point, the attacks get sophisticated, but you can't really learn from anything, you'll have to research vulnerabilities by yourself. My friend's also expressed a concern about how he felt so standalone in the field whenever he tried to learn something new.
Of course, we could attend conferences, but it would be better if documentation was just available online.
That's why you need to write documentation. Whether that be a short, easy way to do things, or a really complicated method, writing it down will help someone else. Writing it down will help yourself. You'll get to remember more, understand more, and share your knowledge along the way.
I hope to write some docs over the next few months too.
Got to be exec for two clubs that I am really excited for :)
Got a job offer after an interview! Hell I thought I was bad at interviews but I prepped a little bit for this one, as in thinking about some common questions and answers in advance but a hard question was "what do you think about punctuality" because I didn't know what punctuality meant so I had to ask. Fuck my vocab skills, I suck at this (but I answered goodly)
Boyfriend is super cute. Never fail to make me happy all the time :D
Some bad things:
Didn't get the job I was pretty hyped up for
My uhh current part time job supervisor hasnt been contacting me for a week
Stress from exam?!??! I dont like calculus. :(
Tomorrow's my birthday and I literally feel 0 connection to my birth like what's special about my birthday? I dont know
Worried I might be homeless this May
Some things to myself:
I need time off, a week to do absolutely nothing and to not feel guilty about it and not pressurized, I just need that time off like PLEASE let me LIVE GUILTLESS
I have to do laundry, clean my room
Three alcoholic parties scheduled one after another after the 25th, I'm ready to die. :)
I have a few traits, that I think, others would deem as "unfavorable" and even "pathetic" and/or "sociopatheic" if I ever show that part of myself. I'm guessing everyone has one, their meaner/darker selves they really don't want to share with others. This has been stressing me out for a long time. I hated dealing with my pathetic part of myself, not being able to share it with anyone and becoming more disappointed in myself without being able to find a resolution. It's not really something you would share, to be honest, unless to a counsellor or something.
Recently I've found someone who I was able to share this to. I was able to tell them about how I felt and really tell them about what I thought was concerning of myself. They did not judge at all. Instead, they asked why it was making me uncomfortable. I still feel unsure of myself, but maybe they believe in me more than I do. I feel a lot more assured, a lot less worried. I don't really know what to say, it's been quite an enlightening experience and a very interesting connection we've made and it's really weird, I've been enjoying it.
The more I stay on the internet, the more I realize people just need someone to talk to.
This is easy online, because you know the person you're talking to is a complete stranger. You don't have to be scared of them badmouthing you to someone else, to your friend, relatives, etc. You might never really get to know the person you're talking to, but maybe that's also the good side of the internet. I dunno, stranger. If I've ever been a help to you, I'm glad.