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1 friend doing a resit

2 friends who lowered their grades, so graduating next year

3 subjects I was proud of but screwed up the exam

4 friends I miss

5 working days, low pay, nowhere to get a job

6 days until I visit Japan

7 days in a week

8 airline fees are expensive

9 family is unstable

10 coming down to myself, the sole reason

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Internet takes up a lot of my awake hours.

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Guilt and rich


Why must I feel guilty about living a better quality life than someone else?

Before that, let me talk a little about our family and our family's financial situation.


My dad works at Hyundai. In Korea, Hyundai is something similar to a Samsung or Google equivalent. A good workplace, to say. He is an expatriate, meaning that we travel overseas a lot (usually 4 years overseas with 2 years in between, living in Korea) and meaning that we have benefits, such as the company paying a proportion of our tuition fees / rent / having higher wage. However, in Korea, tuition is free / the higher wage overseas covers for the higher prices they have; considering this, when living overseas, rent is the only thing that gives us a more tangible benefit. 


However, living overseas is a cause of jealousy, among many people. My Korean friends, family members, etc, etc. They all think I'm rich as fuck, living the overseas life when I try to buy this less, that less. I've never bought any clothes for the past two years; I still use an iphone 4s, with a mid-2012 macbook pro. Accessories? Nothing. Even my schoolbag is at least 3 years old. I never really buy any games except undertale, which i bought and really, I rarely spend money on anything. Doesn't help the fact that our family still is short on fund and that my university tuitions are expensive as fuck. The past three years of not spending money on anything and it all goes out on tuition, and I'll still have to literally starve to get through uni, at least until I get a job. And everyone around me will still be jealous of my life. And there will be me, still starving as fuck, while others mock me on how rich I am. 


Why do I have to feel guilty from others' jealousy? Every time they say something like, "You're so lucky" or "I'm so jealous". Why do I have to be guilty of what I have? Why does our family still have to struggle to save so much when the only feedback we get are jealousy? At least make us rich and say something like "You're so lucky". Our family is just another ordinary. It's just that I was lucky enough to be able to attend uni at a foreign place, and I'll still have to save a lot in order to afford it. But all that suffering that our family will take, including myself, will be covered with the notion that our family is rich, and I'll still have to endure others' jealous glances.

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Cancer and the internet


Cancer


Words like "cancer" "9/11" "retard", the most frequently used memes and insult words on the internet.

Personally I don't support the usage of these words but it's true it's difficult to communicate in meme communities if you are offended by these memes, and I agree being offended by such would come as a party pooper. A big one indeed, along with a troll title. 


I would never use these memes in real life though. I've had experience with cancer in our family and I think many people have as well, it's just a neverending fight and it really wears everyone out, both emotionally and physically. The fact that the person in front of you can pass out anytime, after all those years of suffering? pfff.


That being said. cancer in Korea. I'm reading shit online, and it says exactly the path our family is taking. Chemotherapy, radiation, "cured", relapse. Due to the familism nature of Korea, probably passed down due to Buddhism, women in the family can't function and have to care for the patient. Even when the chemo are too strong for the patient, due to the secret connections between the medication companies and hospitals, they keep recommending the therapy. Doctors have too much patients on hand so they can't care for patients until families bribe them, and well, there's nothing more to explain. 



Retard is another word that I rarely use. I won't say I don't use it at all- recently I've been using it more frequently and I'm reflecting on myself. My best friend hates the word, and so I stopped using it too. Calling someone a retard, yes, I know, sometimes that seems to be the only option. But really, people need to also think about those who are in need and are suffering. Same goes for autistic. All these symptoms affect those close to us, but why go ahead and insult them by degrading the value of the word? This thought sometimes hits me and I just had to write it somewhere. 


Other things. Feminism. This is a shit subject I hate to start with, but fuck it. This word has so much negativity it's just a joke at this point. Feminism is the act of working to achieve gender equality. What's wrong with that? Yes, there are cases when it's extreme, but please don't ignore the fact that this is actually a grave issue and it fucking exists. Memes seem to be ignoring this fact which kinda pisses me off. Also, there is no things such as "reverse discrimination", please don't shit yourselves into those types of victim mentalities, it's just proving that you're a loser... Alright, men may be discriminated at some point. But, men has already enjoyed many privileges in life, and that little shit ain't going to ruin your life, ain't it. Stop being a pussy a loser and step your game up. 

Say, you're rejected a job because a woman was chosen instead. That's not the result of discrimination. The woman was the person the company was looking for instead of what you could offer. So, fucking try harder, increase your worthiness instead of blaming it on gender. To those thinking this is an extreme example. It's probably one of the most widespread loser mentality one could have.


Islam. Trust me, I've lived in Arab countries for 8 years. Peeps are nice and kind. Yes, I understand, there are extremists, but extremists ≠ muslims. Please stop being ignorant. People really look naïve once they start to mix up muslims with extremists.... It's just sad. I feel bad for their lack of intelligence. Those that really hate muslims, okay okay lol. Sure. 



Discrimination. I've once read that "there is no one that cannot discriminate at all. You either discriminate less or discriminate more; it's just the difference in the extremity." And I think that's true. There can't be no discrimination, but you can choose to discriminate less. I assure you, it makes life easier. 

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바쁘다

이사준비

대학준비

비자

서류


.

.


아프다

친구들

사회성

소통


아프다

하지만 참아야 해

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생일.


being passionate about something. game? soccer? what could that be?



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1. 

오스 폐인이 되었다.

미쳔나바.

4* 풀콤할수있음.ㅋ!11


오늘은 디스코드에서 몇몇 멤버애들과 크게 싸운 후 나랑 내 친구랑 모더레이터라고 욕을 오지게 먹은 뒤 사건을 정리하고 서버를 다시 셋팅하고 친구는 피곤해서 자러가고 (새벽 세시까지 욕을 처먹어야했던 불쌍한 놈..) 내가 밤 새 모더레이팅 했다. 친구 모더랑 이렇게 바통터치를 하며 채팅을 지킨다. 


2.

오스에서 만든 친구들에 대해 이야기를 하자.


방금 말한 디스코드 서버 모더 친구. 얘는 심리학을 심도있게 공부했다고 한다. 그리고 물리도 잘해서 똑똑한거 티남. 범생이같음;; 여튼. 착하고 친절하지만 얘가 말하는거 보면 확실히 깥끔하고 딱 잘라내며 자기 자신을 잘 숨기는 성격임. 그래서 좀 무서움. 이런 애들을 볼 때마다 내가 인터넷에서 나 자신을 너무 드러내며 다니는건 아닌지 소름이 돋는다. 그래도 친하니까 그건 진심이라고 믿고 싶음.


다른 이유로 소름이 돋는 새끼. 얘는. 구제불능이라고 생각한다. 이런 애가 나중에 커서 성범죄로 잡혀간다고 확신할 수 있음. 애가 멘탈도 초딩이고.. 별로 맘에 안든다. 스토커같음. 이런 류가 자기한테 조금만 말걸어도 자기 좋아한다고 생각하고 자랑하고다니는 주위에 여자없는 놈.


그 이외에 나이를 똥꼬로 처먹었거나 개념상실한 넘들... 제외하면 컴퓨터 빠돌이들만 남는다. 대학생이던 갓고딩이던 코딩에 좋아서 환장함.ㅋㅋ 재미있다


3.

롤 친구 루나레벨. 보고싶다.. 말 안건지 오래됨

그러고보니 PBE 친구들은 잘 지내려나.


4. 

디스코드 편해 (uvu

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시험 끝난 자여. 안녕.


삼주에 걸친 시험 잘 봤니.ㅋㅋ;; 힘들었겠다.


난 지금 비공식 오스 채팅서버를 관리하는 중이야. 너는 아직까지 이 고통스러운 일을 하고 있니..? 

기억나겠지만 오늘은 멤버들과 큰 진흙싸움이 있었어. 별 일도 아니었는데 말이야.

나랑 친한 관리자 친구가 되게 힘들어보였다. 불쌍한 놈..

이 서버를 관리한지는 일주일 반 정도 지났어. 이걸 다시 읽을 때까지 별 불화가 없었다면 한달 반 정도 되었겠지.

대단하다. 모더레이팅 스킬은 많이 늘었니..


난 아직도 어떤 대학을 갈지 결정을 못했어. 벤쿠버가 가장 좋을 것 같아.


시험 끝난 인생은 어때? 재미있어? ㅠㅜㅠㅠㅠ 하고싶은 일은 다 했어? 


여튼, 빨리 5월이 됐으면 좋겠다.


2017/04/14. 다음주에 수학 Paper 3 Mock 시험이 있는 내가.


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